Monday, 24 October 2016

Feeling so vulnerable sucks.

Wake up, shift position, adjust the blankets.
Pat around with eyes closed, searching for my phone. Finally, first thing I see almost every morning: bright screen.
Check the time, put phone down for a moment, remember all facts about life I consider reality, adjust, mentally prepare.
Usually, at this point I check if my cats are on the bed with me and if they are, I pet them or pick them up for a cuddle. If they're not, I call them to see where they are, without getting out of bed.

Then, it begins.
Pick up phone. Quickly scan through dozens of useless notifications, avoiding important emails (I will get to those later) until I find something worth checking on social media.
A video of my idol, flawless. He's dashingly handsome, ridiculously smart and talented, caring and funny, and with the best shoulders-to-hips ratio I have ever seen in my entire life. It weighs me down thinking how less I am. Less fit, less pretty, less talented, less smart, less funny, lesser body ratio.
I continue. Oh, a picture of my sister! I love her and miss her so much. She looks so pretty in her tight red dress. Beautiful tiny waist and apple hips. Shapely thin legs, long thick wavy hair, perfectly arched eyebrows. She even has this tiny mole above her lip, just a tiiiiiny speck, so charming.
My chest feels heavier. Why did I have to be the fat sister? The "smart" one when we know my sisters are damn smart? My legs are less shapely, my hair is less thick and bouncy, my face is less youthful, my entire self is less youthful, less pretty, less vibrant.

I switch gears and get up to get coffee and maybe do some reading.
Reading is my favorite activity.
It makes you a better person while it entertains you. In reading, I don't compare myself to everyone else, but rather, I become everyone else. I feel comfortable.
But after an hour or less, I have to get to work, facebook, emails, whatsapp, calls.
I made a mistake on a document, didn't catch the mistake, and sent it to my client like that. When I notice, it starts again. I did another mistake. I'm losing grip of the situation. Maybe I can't handle all of this, can't handle this job. Everyone is starting to get annoyed at me for failing to be at the level they expect.
I am just not capable enough, not smart enough, not good enough.


Why do I even have to write about this? Everyone feels like this. Everyone I talk to, always plagued by anxiety and insecurity and standards.
I met a really wonderful girl through work and she is so smart and cool and she told me that I should stop listening to the voices that are holding me back.
And in that moment, I really wanted to do just that, but the voices were saying, "did you notice she's a lot more confident than you?" and "she's your same age but has accomplished so much more already!"
And it's so hard to see myself without all of that attached to it.
Asking myself constantly why do I need someone to show up here and tell me that I'm doing well, that what I did was good, that I can and will succeed?

And I don't know why. I don't know why my inner critic is so loud, why my inner critic makes me hate myself and feel paralyzed and full of fear, when what I really long for is the wings to rise above it all and tell you, and everyone in the whole world,
This is who I am
This is what I do
With a tremble in my hands, a soft voice and no conviction whatsoever.

And still the world can say,

I see you.
You are my daughter.
And you are more than enough.

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